Nocturnal Admissions
by OQPSV
Summary: After yet another fight at Cullen Erections and Demolition, Carlisle is fed up and sends his employees on a team building retreat. What kind of juicy fantasies will be revealed by all in the wee small hours of the morning? May contain slash and smut
1. Erections and Demolition

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Carlisle POV

"Are you kidding me?" I couldn't believe what my son had just said to me. "This was a done deal, Edward. How the fuck did you bunch of morons screw this up?"

I pulled the phone away from my ear and rubbed the bridge of my nose. It really didn't matter what Edward told me in that moment…I was actually going to kill each and every one of them. Realizing that Edward was still talking, I put the phone back in place and abruptly cut him off. There was nothing that he could say to me that would change the rage that I was feeling.

"You know what, Edward….I don't want to know. I don't care. Just get your asses back here…NOW." I slammed the phone into its cradle, leaned back in my nice leather chair and surveyed my office. _Lot different than that piece of shit folding chair and the card table in a trailer we had all those years ago._

When my brother, Caius, and I started this business, we'd had dreams that our sons would one day run it. Cullen Erection and Demolition grew quickly. We had gotten lucky and started just when Seattle was in a building boom, allowing us to make a name for ourselves. Cullen E & D was known for our attention to detail and doing a job right…and on time. Something rare in our line of work.

From the time our sons, Edward and Emmett, were old enough to understand even the simplest of building concepts, they'd been in the office. Caius and I had been so pleased that it looked like we were going to actually be able to pass the company on to our sons and retire to enjoy the fruits of our labors…so we thought.

My son, Edward, leaned toward the business side of the industry. He loved looking at the numbers and figuring out how we could make the most from each bid. Even as a teenager, he had been able to work some of our most lucrative contracts. He really did have a gift for knowing what others were going to bid and being able to come in just under them, yet still give us a huge profit margin. When it was time to pick a college, his grades…and my money…helped him get into Penn and the Wharton School where he earned his MBA. I couldn't have been happier when he came back to Cullen E & D.

Emmett, Caius' son, had taken to the demolition side of the business. Not really much of a surprise given Emmett's playful personality and his propensity for destruction. He did surprise us all, however, when he was accepted at USC on more than his abilities on a sports field. Like Edward, he earned his graduate degree and came back to us as a structural engineer.

Both the boys were given Vice President positions; Edward was in charge of the money side and Emmett the working side. They were each allowed some latitude when building their departments, but I had to all but force them to take on Tyler Crowley and Mike Newton. Emmett and Edward had gone to school with them, and they had competed against one another all through school. Everything from girls to academics to positions of sports teams became a competition.

It wasn't as if I'd just pulled them off the street with no experience. Both Tyler and Mike had worked for me since they graduated from high school, and had earned their way up the ladder…as it were. They started out doing grunt work and by the time Edward and Emmett came back from college, those two were at the top of the company. And I thought it was only fair that they work under the new VPs. Edward and Emmett weren't so enthusiastic about my plan, but I'm the boss. That was almost two years ago.

None of them had been able to get along since.

Unfortunately, we lost my brother to cancer not long after the boys joined the company and I was left to deal with the next generation on my own. _Yeah, thanks for that, Caius._ I missed my brother desperately, especially at times like this. We were supposed to spend our "Golden Years" together—vacationing in exotic places with our wives, sailing, playing with our grandchildren…

Putting those thoughts aside, I needed some reassurance that I wasn't actually going to be trying to dispose of four bodies this afternoon. I picked up the phone and called the one person who could always calm me down.

"Hello?" her beautiful voice came over the phone, and I instantly relaxed. For as long as Esme and I had been together…going on 35 years now…she always knew just what to say or do to ease my tensions.

"Esme, darling," I breathed out.

"What did they do now?" My poor wife had been listening to me complain about those four boys for the past two years. I hated to bring my work home with me, but if I didn't vent to her, one, or all, of them would eventually end up "accidentally" disappearing in the next demolition job we did.

"The Denali contract…" I couldn't tell her anymore than that, because I didn't know anything myself. "Edward just called to let me know that we lost the Denali contract."

"Oh, Carlisle. I'm so sorry." I could hear the disappointment in her voice. This was going to be the one that allowed me to retire. After losing Caius, I vowed that I wasn't going to let my life and the time I had with my beautiful wife pass by. And those idiots just cost me my retirement. "What happened?"

"I don't know. They're on their way back here right now. I swear on everything holy, Esme, I'm going to kill them this time."

Esme let out a little laugh. I had been threatening death, dismemberment, even castration for two years now. She knew that I wouldn't do it, but she encouraged me just the same.

"Now, Carlisle, you know that wouldn't do any good. Then you would be stuck there running that place for many years to come. You just need to figure out a way to make them work together… as a team."

I let out a sigh. Of course she was right. But how the fuck do I get them to work together? They hate each other.

"You'll think of something, darling. I trust you. I love you," Esme told me.

"Love you, too." I hung up and leaned back in my chair, waiting for the band of morons to return.

There was a light tap on my door.

"Come in, Alice," I called out. My assistant, Alice Brandon, was a godsend. On days like today, I was thankful that she was on my side. She was always so perky and I couldn't help but smile whenever she came bouncing into my office.

"Mr. Cullen, I-"

"Alice, come on, you've been here for three years now. I've asked you to call me Carlisle. We are a family at Cullen Erections."

Alice's face lit up with a huge smile, the one that always made me smile back, not matter what kind of shitty day I've had. And today would qualify as one of those shitty days.

"Okay, it's just that Ed…I mean the other Mr. Cullen, asks specifically that I call him 'Mr. Cullen' and sometimes I get confused."

"He what?" I was beyond angry at my arrogant son. I found myself wishing that he was five years old again so I could take him over my knee.

"Ummm, yeah, he said that we needed to maintain a professional atmosphere. It's just easier to agree than try to explain that I know that you wouldn't want this place to be all boring and stiff."

"Don't worry about it, Alice. After what my son just told me, I'm not sure he'll be working here much longer." I let out a laugh which caused Alice to giggle. "So how is that young man of yours?" I wanted some normalcy and lightness right then.

"Oh, Jasper is fine. He's away at a conference right now, but the wedding plans are still progressing really well. You and Esme are still coming, right?"

"Of course. Hey, you think we could talk Jasper into doing some private sessions here at the office and fixing this band of merry morons so they get along?" I asked, hopeful that this was the solution that I was looking for.

"Sorry, Carlisle. After meeting Edward briefly last year at the Christmas party, he says that he's only a Psychologist…not a miracle worker." She gave me a small smile.

"Well, it was worth a try." I smiled back at her to let her know I wasn't offended. I knew my son had some issues to work through…I just didn't know how to make that happen. "Now, what was it that you needed when you came in?"

"Oh, yeah. I was wondering if I get off early tomorrow? I have a fitting for my wedding dress and then there's the flowers, and –"

"Alice," I interrupted her. "Yes, you can get off early tomorrow. No problem. Hell, the way my son and nephew are driving this place into the ground you may be able to take an extra long honeymoon."

Just then, the door was pushed all the way open, almost slamming into the wall behind it, and in walked four deadmen.

"No, Edward! This was your own damn fault!" Mike was yelling, slightly turning to Edward who was walking behind him.

"What the fuck ever, Newton. If you hadn't decided that you needed to flex your muscles, none of this would have happened," Edward shot back.

"Fuck off, Edward." Sometimes I realized what drove Edward crazy about Newton, when his best come back was that bad.

In the meantime, Emmett and Tyler were going at it too.

"Tyler, why in the name of hell would you tell a client that our last project had gone to shit? That was brilliant."

"Well, I don't think that propositioning Tanya Denali was really the way to deflect, Emmett," Tyler replied.

_Please tell me they are all kidding? Please tell me this shit wasn't going on during the meeting…_

"All of you shut it! Now!" I yelled over the bickering. "Alice, can you go ahead and close the door on the way out?"

"No problem, Carlisle." She purposely looked at Edward and smirked. I saw his face tighten up to the point that he looked like he was going to stroke out. I do love Alice.

Once Alice was gone and the door closed behind her, I turned to what were supposed to be my best men. I was fuming.

"Sit the fuck down…all of you." I waited while Edward and Newton jockeyed for position. Tyler and Emmett just glared at each other across the room. "Mike sit there and Edward there." I directed them to chairs. _Since when do I have to treat almost 30 year old men like toddlers?_ This situation was so much worse than I could have imagined. "Now, Edward, you go first. What happened…in detail."

"Okay, so we were in their conference room, and Emmett had just finished giving the presentation for their new luxury high rise down town. When jackass over there," he pointed right at Tyler, "announces how the new casino out in La Push had gone to shit."

Tyler began squirming in his seat. I nailed him with a pissed off glare before he could open his mouth. I knew that if one started defending themselves, this meeting was going to go south real fast. At least with Edward's control freak issues, I knew that I would get the precise story. I also knew my son, so I knew how he would be reacting.

"Okay, so Tyler has a big mouth. It isn't like that whole thing wasn't reported on ad nauseum when it happened. The Denali people knew that going in, that can't be what blew the deal. What else?"

"Oh, can I answer that, Carlisle?" Emmett asked with a big smile on his face. _Ah, this must be the part where Edward tried to take back control._

"Please, Em, enlighten me." I looked over at Edward, who was at least smart enough not to try to interrupt his cousin.

"So Edward's eyes got all big, and he got that little vein thing in his forehead…you know the one. Oh, there it is right now," Emmett pointed at Edward, "I mean I can't completely blame him, Tyler was a dickhead, and we all know how much Edward hates losing control of a situation."

My son made to stand up. "Sit down, Edward. This is just getting interesting."

"That was when Newton took the opportunity to toss out something along the lines that if 'Daddy Cullen's prodigy couldn't keep control of the underlings, maybe he should take over. Of course, that went over well. Edward was immediately on his feet and in Mike's face…making things in the room uncomfortable to say the least."

_Now that's just fucking fabulous. My son and his second in charge toe to toe ready to throw down in the middle of a presentation. We must have looked so professional._

"So, in an attempt to save the whole thing, Emmett began to shamelessly flirt with the Denali sisters…all three of them," Edward offered, thinking I was sure to take the focus off of him. "I don't know what exactly he said, but one of them, Irina I think, actually gasped just before they all got up and told us in no uncertain terms that they would not be doing business with Cullen E&D as long as we were so unprofessional and immature." Edward actually looked ashamed, which I took as a good sign.

I was completely speechless.

Mike stood and began to walk out of the room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" I moved to stand in front of him.

"Well, obviously, I did nothing wrong. It's not my fault that Edward can't control a meeting."

"Sit back down," I ground out through gritted teeth. Mike was good at what he did, but the guy had a problem with following directions, especially when they came from Edward.

I leaned against my desk and just stared at the four of them for a few minutes. I hadn't a single clue of what I was going to do to fix this, but I knew I had to do something or my business and everything that I had worked for and built was going to come crashing down around me.

"Get out! I don't want to see any of you for the next few days. Figure out how to work together or none of you will be working here. And I mean that." I made sure I was looking right at Edward and Emmett.

They all stood up to leave, with Edward leading the way, mumbling under his breath as he yanked the door open. Emmett followed behind him, with Mike and Tyler bringing up the rear. All of them had their heads hung in shame.

Just before the door closed, Tyler turned to me and with a smile said, "Hey maybe you can send us to one of those touchy feely retreats. We can learn to loooove each other." He let out a huge laugh as he turned back and disappeared through the door.

**So that's the first chapter…only the five of us would name a company Cullen Erections!! HAHAHA!!**

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	2. Pickles and Pasties

**Hello everyone, vjgm here. Welcome to chapter two of our little collaboration. This one is brought to you by qjmom who simply cracks me up with this chapter of hers! The title is Pickles and Pasties…**

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**Two Weeks Later…**

**Edward POV**

"Your Dad's prick, Edward," Mike ground out as the four of us pulled our weary asses into the small "cabin" we were all being forced to share.

The word cabin could only be used loosely in that there were four walls and a roof…and that was it. The small space was taken up by two sets of bunk beds and a closet of a bathroom with a nasty shower and a toilet that everyone was afraid to let come in contact with their bare skin.

"Fuck you, Newton. If you had been able to follow my instructions on the Denali Building we wouldn't fucking be here." I stepped into Mike, blocking his entrance into the room.

_This shit is definitely all Mike's fault._ I had told the little weasel to sit down and shut up. Instead, in front of clients, the idiot had started to question my authority to make decisions. _I want to kick his scrawny neck the bastard._

The day after the Denali debacle, Carlisle called all of us back into his office, and he was still just as pissed off. I had thought that a night away from us would calm him, but no. He was already pacing when we walked into the room, and I for one knew that that wasn't a good sign.

Taking a seat immediately, I waited for my dad to tell us whatever it was he had decided to do with us. I had never seen him so angry. Even when the La Push casino tanked he hadn't been as mad as he was over Denali.

"Alright, boys, I am sick of this shit, and it's going to stop, right now," Carlisle announced. We all just looked at one another. _He is actually going to fire us. I mean I can see Newton and Tyler, but Emmett and me? There's no way Mom will let him do that._

"You're all going to learn to work together. All of you are excellent at what you do, and if you would just get along, and control yourselves, Cullen Erections would own this whole fucking town."

I looked around the room, and actually saw Mike and Tyler looking ashamed. _Good. At least they realize what fuck-ups they are. Now maybe they'll get in line and follow orders and we can get some work done._

"So, I have signed all of you up for a teambuilding workshop. One week from Monday, you'll all be taken to Volterra Hugs and Healing in Forks where you will spend no less than 48 hours participating in every single teambuilding exercises that they want you to do. And if I hear one word of any of you giving them shit…I will fire ALL of you." My dad looked right at me when he said that to make sure that I understood the fact that I was his son was not going to matter at that point.

So there we were, stuck in the middle of a fucking love fest, and all of us tense as hell.

Emmett pulled me back from my nose to nose with Newton, pushing him me into the small room…and probably saving his life. Mike and Tyler followed, each mumbling obscenities under their breath.

Earlier, when we had arrived, we were forced to give our bags to someone and change into the ridiculous shirts we now wore. Each of us sported a pale pink shirt with a description of our "flaw" on it in neon green. _We looked like a bunch of pansies._

My fucking shirt announced to the world that I was CONTROLLING and ANAL RETENTIVE. The shirt Emmett was barely being contained in read, ALOOF and IMMATURE. Newton, of course, was wearing the words PROBLEMS WITH AUTHORITY on his chest. And Tyler had SPEAKS/ACTS WITHOUT THINKING.

The first thing that all of us had agreed on…ever…was that we all wanted to get the hell out of the damn shirts.

Our bags had been deposited just inside the door and as we entered the tiny space, everyone scrambled to claim a bed. Emmett, being the child that he was, immediately went for a top bunk.

"No, fucking way, Cuz," I admonished. "I am not risking your hulking ass falling on me in the middle of the night. You take the bottom, I'll take the top."

"Is that what you say to Bella during sex, Eddie. Always gotta control the situation. Does she ever get to be on top, Edward?" Emmett teased. If the ass wasn't so big, I would have taken him down. But one thing that I am not, is stupid.

"You know, Edward, anal is another word for asshole," Tyler commented from the other top bunk.

He wasn't worth my time or effort, so I just flipped him off and shot back, "Yeah, well this shit is completely your fault, and I feel sorry for Newton, having to sleep under you…wait, I take that back…Mike deserves everything he gets during the night."

"Yeah, nice. Letting one rip, asshole, while we were on that 'Trust Course,'" Mike said to Tyler. "I was right behind you, dude!" Mike and Tyler had ended up rolling on the ground trying to kill or maim one another. That little episode had lost their entire team a steak dinner. Instead, they ended up with a "hearty salad" and fresh fruit. Not nearly enough to satisfy the men. And they had to beg Aro not to tell Carlisle about it, promising to make it up the next day for sure.

"Well, who thought the old man would really send us here…I had just been joking when I'd suggested a team building retreat," Tyler offered. Three heads swiveled to glare at him.

"What? This fucking love fest was your idea?" My focus was immediately on killing Tyler. Suddenly he did seem completely worth the effort to actually kill him.

"Hey, anyone catch that Alec guy staring at my ass during yoga?" Emmett offered, trying to ease the tension and stop the shit before he had to actually start pulling me off Tyler, I was sure.

"Let's just go to bed. I can't deal with you morons anymore without risking a felony murder wrap," I huffed out as I dug into my bag for my sweats and a t-shirt.

_I'm so burning this fucking thing when I get home. If Bella ever saw that shit, I would never hear the end of it._ Thinking of Bella and the fact that I wasn't going to have her warm body next to me tonight I crawled into the top bunk.

"Your turn to clean the kitchen," James said as he walked past me, Laurent right behind him laughing quietly. _What the fuck? Why are those hammer swingers telling me to clean their kitchen?_

The door slammed as I rounded the corner into the kitchen and let out a loud curse. I couldn't believe what a mess the place was. The garbage can was overflowing, dishes were piled so high in the sink I worried that they would topple over at any moment.

A piece of paper on the refrigerator caught my eye and I walked over to examine it. It was a schedule of sorts. _It seems that I live with the two apes…fan-fucking-tastic. _My name was definitely listed as being in charge of cleaning the kitchen today. James had the bathroom and Laurent the living room. It appeared we shared cleaning duties, but judging by the state of the kitchen, those two left all the work for me.

"What am I? Cinderella?"

"Well, you _are_ so damn picky that things be done to your exact specifications that your roommates have decided to let you do all the cleaning." I jumped at the intrusion of a voice that I didn't recognize coming from behind me.

I turned around to see a tall, blond guy dressed in a pale blue button up shirt that kind of sparkled in the florescent lights and faded jeans covering a well worn pair of cowboy boots. He was leaning casually against the wall near the door to the kitchen. _Another roommate?_

"Yeah, well…if this is what the kitchen looks like, I'm really not looking forward to my turn in the bathroom."

"See, here's the thing, Eddie," I cringed at the nickname, "this is all your own doing. You need to loosen up, my man…and that's why I'm here."

"Uhhhh…okay?"

"Jasper," he introduced himself. "I'm your Fairy Godmother…fuck I hate having to say that! You know, I petitioned to have it changed to Fairy God_person_, but the bitch brigade that dominates my profession vetoed it." He shoved his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath. "Anyways, you know the way things work here…you get a wish and I'll make it come true…yadda, yadda, yadda…things go awry…yadda, yadda, yadda…you learn a lesson."

My mouth was hanging open. _This shit just can't be happening. I mean fairies are mythical creatures that don't exist…right?_

"So? What will it be?" His foot started tapping on the dirty linoleum.

"Shouldn't a Fairy Godmother have wings or a wand?"

"You're hung up on the wings?"

Instantly, huge wings unfurled, ripping through his sparkly shirt. "Happy now? Can we get on with this? I got other shit to do today. I'm meeting the other three guys who broke into the pink triangle dominated Fairy World with me at the titty bar around the corner in like fifteen minutes. And that asshole Demitri will start trying to 'save the poor strippers' if I'm not there to balance out his nancy boy ways. Maybe they should have assigned him to you…might have been a better match."

I stood and stared at Jasper. I chose to ignore the giant wings spanning the doorway. _They're some sort of magic trick. He pushed some hidden button and they popped out._

"Come on, Eddie. I gots boobies to see, and so help me if they are all 'reformed' by the time I get there, you are going to suffer."

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to give into this guy's scam just to have fucking Ashton Kutcher pop out and yell that I've been Punk'd. "This is all very funny, but let's cut the shit and since I don't see your name on the chore chart there, why don't you just help me clean this mess."

"Well now, that sounded an awful lot like a wish."

Suddenly, my girlfriend, Bella, was standing in front of me dressed in the sexiest French Maid outfit. _Okay…now this is getting a little freaky._

"Bella! Put some clothes on! You can't be prancing around looking so sexy with this nut job here." I pointed to Jasper.

"Damn! When you conjure up an idea of help, boy oh boy, do you go all out. I only gave you what your subconscious was projecting." I wanted to punch the fucker in the head for leering at Bella like he was ready to bend her over the kitchen table and take her in front of me.

"Okay, kids. I'm gonna jingle. You are on your own here… I'll be back later to make sure you learned whatever lesson it was you were supposed to learn. Part of the job description…got screwed on my last evaluation because I didn't do that." His form started to shimmer and I knew I was either dreaming or crazy. "Oh! I almost forgot, you have to follow the hottie's directions. Part of the whole 'I have to teach you something.' Personally, if I were you, I'd just say 'fuck it,' and do the maid, but…rules is rules." Then, with a pop, he was gone…just gone.

I turned back to Bella, who was standing with her hands on her hips and a smile playing on her perfect lips.

"You know, Edward, I've been waiting a long time to get to be in control." My dick sprang to life. Who knew shy, sweet, Bella would want to be the dominant one?

"Really, what exactly would you like to order me to do?" I teased. I couldn't wait to see where this was going.

"Okay, why don't you start with the dishes in the sink, and I'll take a seat and watch that cute little ass of yours." She actually plopped down in one of the chairs, putting her feet up on another.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Oh, you're right."

I got excited again. Bella was just fucking with me. She wanted to feel like she had the upper hand. I would play along with her and let her think that she was in charge. It was kind of cute that she thought she was in control.

"Can you get naked and put this on?" An apron came flying and hit me in the face.

"If this is just a way to get me naked, Bella, all you had to do was ask." I gave her my best "dazzling" smile. I stripped, because if she wanted me naked then that's how I would be.

Then I waited…and waited…and waited.

"Well, put the apron on and get to work," Bella finally commanded.

"Okay, enough's enough. Let me see what you have under that frilly little skirt of yours." Suddenly, the kitchen was illuminated and through a smoky haze, Jasper appeared. He was sitting with three other men and a scantily clad woman was perched on his lap.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Eddie. What part of, 'the hottie's in charge' did you not understand? I meant it. I'm gonna let this one slide, 'cause frankly I'm a little busy at the moment," his hand slid up the stripper's inner thigh and she let out a giggle. "So get with the program. Next time you interrupt my activities, you will be punished…and not by the hottie."

The fog disappeared, and Bella was smiling from ear to ear. This shit was getting freakier and freakier by the minute.

"You trust me, don't you, Edward?" Of course I trusted her, this had nothing to do with trust. I was Edward Cullen, and…I looked up to see Bella's bottom lip poking out in a pout. _Well, shit._

"Yes, of course I trust you, honey." I put the apron on and tied it around my waist. "Where did you want me to start?"

I heard a disembodied laugh fill the kitchen and knew that bastard, Jasper was monitoring everything that was going on.

"The dishes, then the trash, the counters, and finally the floor," Bella instructed.

Almost an hour later, the kitchen was spotless. I was actually proud of myself. Bella had been ordering me around like a drill sergeant…and I kind of liked it.

"You did a fabulous job, Edward. Now I'm going to reward you." She stood and came behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist to untie the apron. As she slipped the apron over my head, Bella turned me towards her. In her hand was a red ribbon. _Where the hell did that come from?_

Before I could even question her, I felt a zap of electricity jolt my body and a voice in my head laughing. _That fucker!_ I knew it was Jasper. He could actually read my mind from wherever the hell he was and knew that I was about to take back control.

Bella slid the satin fabric over my eyes and I stood stock still, allowing her to lead me. Eventually she stopped and I felt her push down on my shoulders, urging me to the ground. I went willingly. _This shit is actually kind of hot._

"Now, Edward, are you going to be a good boy? Are you going to follow my every direction?"

I simply nodded my head.

"Good." I heard her walk away and the refrigerator open. _What the hell is she doing? Making a sandwich?_

I couldn't see what was going on. I had to rely on my other senses and I was finding the experience more than a turn on.

"We'll start simple." I heard Bella's muffled voice.

I waited with anticipation, and a painful hard-on, for her to return to me. We had joked about whipped cream or chocolate sauce before, but it seemed a little unsanitary and messy.

The coolness of the liquid that was poured on my chest made me shiver, but the anticipation of Bella's tongue on my body cleaning it off gave me goose bumps. I wasn't disappointed as she pressed her lips to my skin and took one long, sexy lick.

"Mmmmmm," she breathed. My hands came up to stroke her arms. "No, Edward. You can't touch me. I'm in charge…my rules."

I opened my mouth to argue, and felt that stupid jolt of electricity. _I swear if I get my hands on that little fairy I was going to rip his wings off._

The warmth of Bella's body was once again gone, and I wanted her back.

I could hear her rummaging around in the refrigerator.

"Open up," Bella ordered. I complied feeling what seemed to be a cherry brush across my lips. Snaking my tongue out, I captured the offering. _Damn, a cherry has never tasted so good!_ It tasted even better when Bella leaned in and followed the cherry with the sweet taste of her tongue. I was using all of my strength not to reach up and pull her to me, but I was worried that the next zap would be to my balls, and I was kind of attached to them.

"You are being such a good boy, Edward. I think that you deserve a reward." I really liked the sound of that.

Again, I felt Bella's body move away and could only imagine what she was up to. At this point, it didn't matter, I was willing to turn over total control to her.

When she returned, I could hear several things clanging together in her arms.

The smell of oranges hit me seconds before the icy liquid hit my chest. _That's gonna be sticky_. Bella leaned in to kiss me before running her tongue over the orange juice. I then heard the top pop off something and tried to imagine just exactly what my little vixen was up to.

The feeling as the whipped cream covered my dick was like nothing that I have ever experienced. I almost came right then. To be honest, I was a little nervous, but I realized that I trusted Bella enough to let go and just be in the moment.

"Dude! Can you cover your junk? Seeing your hairy balls is really killing the whole vibe I got going at the strip joint."

"What the fuck? Get the hell out of here!" I yelled. I couldn't see the asshole, but I definitely knew that he was smirking at my naked ass and eyeing Bella.

"I told you I'd be back to check and see if you learned your lesson."

"Yeah, well, I didn't think it would be while I was butt naked and drenched in orange juice and whipped cream."

"So, my friend, do you see the benefits of letting other people run things? Imagine never letting Bella do this to you because you couldn't let go." Now, while I still wanted to punch the prick in the head, he did have a point.

"Yeah…now leave!"

"Eh, eh, eh, Eddie…I don't take orders from you."

"I would really appreciate it if you left us alone to finish…our meal." I heard Bella say.

"So, I can use you two as reference next time I'm up for a promotion, then?"

"Get the fuck out!" Bella yelled, and I had never wanted her more than I did right then.

I heard a loud pop and felt Bella's hands on my thighs at the same moment. _Asshole must have left._

"I think it's so sexy that you let me do this to you, Edward. You can take the blindfold off," Bella whispered. "I want you to see me when I enjoy the hell out of taking you in my mouth." _If she keeps talking like that, that whipped cream is going to take on a whole new flavor._

Slowly I removed the ribbon from my eyes. The kitchen was a disaster and I could have cared less. I was done with worrying about how others did things. _Let those two assholes find the kitchen like this and do whatever the hell they want with it._

Looking down, I watched as Bella lowered her lips over my cock, letting out a little moan as she did so. I had to focus all my attention on not exploding right then. On the up stroke, Bella released me and a little twinkle shone in her eyes. _What else could she possible have planned?_

She reached over and opened a pickle jar. Pulling out one of those huge dill pickles, she held it up and looked up at me from under her eyelashes.

"You ready to give up all control to me, Edward?" Then she shoved the pickle –

"What the FUCK?" I sat straight up in my bed and bumped my head on the ceiling. Rubbing my head, I leaned over my bunk to find Emmett with a flashlight thing strapped to his head, and a pickle hanging out of his mouth.

"What? I was hungry. I can't live on that rabbit food they fed us for dinner. I brought a stash," he explained.

I just stared at him, unable to believe that we both came from neighboring gene pools.

Looking at me, with that stupid light shining right in my eyes, he smiled and asked, "Pickle?"

I shuddered at the thought, then flipped him off on last time before laying back and closing my eyes as I tried desperately to find that place in the dream right before Emmett opened the damn pickle jar and sent everything spiraling out of control…

~*~*~*~*

I, for one, will be giggling when I open the refrigerator and see the jar of pickles for the next few days.

Let's hear it for Q! *claps wildy*

Who's up next? No clue- I need to check the email again. HA! Read and review…and go bid at the author auction. Raise some money for charity- you know you want to….


	3. Mirrors and Manhandling

**Okay, this chapter is our little shabbyapple's contribution to this craziness! She has done an outstanding job!!**

**Don't forget, the auction boards for The Fandom Give Back opened today!! There are so many fabulous things to bid on. I think I might have to get a job to pay for everything that I have bids in on right now!! I mean a meet and greet with 100 Monkeys!! Seriously! And the best thing is that EVERYTHING goes to Alex's Lemonade Stand, to help with cancer research. So you could actually TOUCH (or maybe even lick if you get lucky) Jackson Rathbone AND help kids at the same time! What could be better??**

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**Stephenie Meyer may have given us these characters, but I'm pretty sure that she never would have made them do the things that we have!!**

Emmett POV

Edward could be such a tight ass, I couldn't stand the way he walked around thinking was God's gift to mankind. When my light caught his finger flippin' me off, I nearly reached out and snatched it.

"Butthead…" I mumbled, the pickle bouncing on my lower lip.

"I heard that," Edward croaked. He could be such a crabby pants if he didn't get his eight full hours of beauty rest. That, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't gettin' any at home.

"Congratulations, dillhole." I crunched down on the pickle, sending juice rolling down my chin.

Edward's top half swung down, swatting at me and my pickle. I blinded him with my light and he quickly gave up. "Judas Priest! I can't believe you have a night light strapped to your forehead. What are you ten?"

"Calm down, you'll short-circuit that pea sized brain of yours. Have you ever camped out in the wild before Edward?"

"Yes, I have as a matter of fact."

"The nudist colony doesn't count dipshit. Everyone knows those resorts get rid of anything that scurries in the night and has no legs. No legs, I mean that shit ain't natural. Animals should have legs for crying out loud."

"And why would that be, Mr. Wikipedia?" Edward took another swing at my head.

"Duh." I finished off the first pickle and dove into my baggy for another, successfully dodging his attempts to rid me of my light. "And they say you're the smart one. Let me break it down for you, boy wonder. Creepy crawly things, plus no clothes, equals BUGS IN YOUR ASS! Or your va-jay-jay if your Mike."

"Fuck you," Mike whispered, half asleep. Cullen Erection & Demolition's monthly newsletter was plastered to his face, a picture of my aunt, Esme was eerily staring at me from under his squashed cheek.

"Tempting, Mikey…but you're not my type," I whispered to a now snoring Mike. "So you see, I use my trusty _head lamp_, Edward so that I may be aware of my surroundings and ready to protect myself at any given moment."

"You sound like a lame ass ninja, Emmett. Just turn the damn thing off already. I can't sleep with that light dancing around on the ceiling. It's like a laser show up here."

Crunch.

"What's with the pickles, homo?" Edward had given up and was flopping back and forth in his sleeping bag, trying to get comfortable.

"My mama used to feed them to me when I couldn't sleep at night."

"Was that before or after she strapped on the safety night light?" Edward stopped tossing and laughed.

I punched the underside of the top bunk, earning a groan from Edward and causing me to almost drop my next pickle. "Don't be jealous, Edward. Get over your light envy…or maybe you're jealous of the size of this here pickle." I slowly slid the long, large pickle in and out of my mouth even though I was certain no one else could see me.

"Wow, that's some pickle," Tyler cooed out ceremoniously.

_Damn! I thought everyone was asleep but me._

A slight chill filled the room followed by an awkward silence. Feeling the tension at Tyler's remark, I snapped the crisp pickle, the sound echoing off the walls and then said, "Totally inappropriate, Tyler. Edward may get turned on about you talking about his junk like that, but that pickle was in my mouth, man."

Edward gave a frustrated sigh.

"There's too much male bonding going on here at this retreat, I'm out," I said flipping the light off and losing all interest in pickles. Moments later, I dozed off.

~*~

"Okay…wow this feels really good. I mean I've done this to you before, but damn, this time it feels phenomenal! Mmm…"

My eyes opened leisurely and I saw Rose staring back at me.

"Hey,baby." I did a double take as I noticed her lips move the same time mine did. "Why do I feel…"

_Uhhhh, why was Rose repeating everything I said? _

I scurried up into a sitting position. As I looked down, beautifully manicured fingers began to draw blood as they dug deeper into skin.

"Hey Captain Dipshit, knock it off or you'll scar my body!"

"What the hell, Rose? Is this a dream?" I was starring at myself walking out of the bathroom.

I quickly looked up to corroborate what had to be a nightmare. The mirror on the ceiling confirmed a stunned image of Rose staring back at me. We'd somehow switched bodies.

"It's like that lame-ass movie with Jaime Lee Curtis and Miss Bone Rack." Rose began cracking her knuckles and rubbing her scruffy skin.

"Lindsay Lohan?" I shuddered as I mentioned her name. Skinny girls never had much appeal to me. I liked them a little curvy. You know, something to hold on to when you're fuckin' their brains out.

"That'd be the one." Rose walked my body over to stand in front of the full length mirror behind my bedroom door, flexing my peck muscles, running her now large hands over my wash-board abs.

"Stop looking at me like I'm a piece of meat, Rose." I knew that look from her like the back of my hand.

"Damn, I've got abs of steel. Come on, feel that." Rose was obviously dealing with this a lot better than I was.

_Why did I have all these mirrors again? _

Seeing myself reflected as Rose was totally trippin' me out. "Why aren't you freaking out right now?" I asked as I ran my hands through, what was now really long, soft hair, causing my grip on the sheet I was holding to slip. "Oh, never mind. Mirrors are genius," I mumbled when I saw my reflection. Rose had the most unbelievable, perky chest I'd ever laid my hands on. And trust me, I had a long history of titty handling.

"Would you stop touching my breasts?" Rose snapped, her glare was like ice and the temperature dropped about twenty degrees.

It didn't help me stop in the least. "Well seein' that they are my breasts now, I'll do as I please. Thank you. Look! I could cut glass with these bad boys!" I laughed as I rolled the two extended nipples.

"Well, then…" Rose's hand slipped under the elastic waistband of my black boxers and began stroking. She looked like she was enjoying it a bit too much, and I was beginning to become jealous of her hand. _I_ should be the one taking care of her needs. She stepped into the closet and was gone much longer than I would have liked. I jumped off the bed and went in to join her.

My head felt light and dizzy. All coherent thought escaped me. There was Rose, in my body, taking liberty with my package, sifting through my extensive collection of Playboys. Suddenly, her head tipped back and I watched as her eyes closed and her mouth dropped open. She gave one quick shudder that I recognized and smiled.

"I had no idea this was so easy. One picture and I'm spent. I could get used to this."

"Umm, excuse me? I'm standing right her and you decide to jack off?"

Rose smirked and responded coyly, "You're ruining my afterglow here, baby. Yeah, I'm totally digging the sleezy magazines. This is what it feels like to be you?"

"What?"

"I feel like a million bucks, baby! Wanna have a three-some? Ohh we could have this massive orgy to make up for lost time."

"What the hell, Rose? Why are you such a horndog now?"

"I totally get why you screw everything with two legs, and that one girl who only had one."

"And a half," I corrected. "She had it amputated at the knee. You're not making any sense."

She scooted back a bit and grabbed another issue of Playboy. This was so not like Rosie, she hated that I still had those magazines. Sounding just like our friend Alice, she hurriedly said, "All guys think about is sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. I think I've thought about it at least a hundred times already this morning. Which is not a bad thing. Let's go to that new club tonight. I'm feeling _very_ promiscuous."

I looked down and saw that my boxers were beginning to strain again. "Put that away before you hurt yourself…or me for that matter."

She smirked.

_Yeah, this has to be a nightmare._

Hearing Rose say this made me feel insecure. What if she and I stayed this way? Would she be as big of a whore as I was before I met her? I mean, I know I got around. But, it wasn't until recently that I felt like I could change my ways. Of course, no one else knew that. I hadn't told Rosalie that I felt that strongly about her. I hadn't grabbed any girl's ass in a couple of weeks either, let alone had to use the emergency condom in my wallet. Hell, I'd never been able to bend into _that_ position before with any woman. It was amazing what I could accomplish when I was with Rose.

A piercing slap went stingingly across my cheek.

"Damn! What the hell, Rose? You can't hit a girl!"

"Whatever," she ignored my question. "Pull yourself together. I don't like that puppy dog face you're making. Let's talk about how we're going to get me some ass tonight." She turned the magazine to its side and the centerfold fell out.

_What was wrong with Rose, I mean, I'm right here? Doesn't she think I'm pretty? I have feelings. No! I'm a guy, dammit…stop bein' all touchy feely and shit!_

"This actually might work out." I had this strange urge to retaliate. My eyes focused on the tight ass I saw on the back side of Miss Centerfold. I felt my blood go red hot. How dare she? I was thinking about settling down with her, and here she is thinking about her dick.

Rose rolled her eyes. "Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not, but I'll tell you anyways." My eyebrows danced suggestively at her.

"Oh, Lord."

_Make her jealous, Em. _ "This is going to work out, if you and I do the horizontal tango again, I get to have more than one orgasm."

"What? You are such a pig!"

I mouthed 'several' at her and added, "Oh and I'm gonna make you work your little fingers to the bone. Not to mention that mighty tongue of yours."

"Stop! Or I'll…I'll…" She pushed past me and went and stood next to the bed, grabbing hold of the glass that had been on the nightstand, half-full of whatever it was and drained it.

"Go down on me? Why don't you do that stroking thing again?" Completely oblivious to her hateful stare I continued on, "I can't believe you've had these fun bags your whole life and never went to town with them."

"If you value your life, you'll stop touching those!" Rose let out a belch and her eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her head. She was stunned that such a noise could come from her.

_Maybe the multiple orgasm bit did the trick._

I busted up laughing. "Pretty sure they're mine now." I gazed lovingly down at my new toys. "Oh and you just wait till you hear what comes out the other end, sweetie."

"Disgusting."

"Well we should get a move on. We're supposed to meet up with Edward and Bella at ten. They say it's going to get hot as hell today and I for one," I began to pull my skin around my eyes taut, "don't want to over expose my skin. Two words: crow's feet."

"Emmett!" Her voice boomed. "I'm not even close to getting crow's feet, dammit!"

"Tsk, tsk…cupcake. The name's Rosalie Hale." And just for good measure I tossed my long, blond locks over my shoulder and gave my step an extra bounce as I made for the bathroom. The bounce was really more for my own benefit. These hooters had an amazing spring to them.

"This isn't permanent, _Emmett_. And if you even think about using that detachable shower head for anything other than washing the shampoo out…your dick'll have absolutely zero blood flow to it. Plus, knowing you, if you broke it, what you did isn't exactly covered under the warranty."

I saluted her and was lost in the fantasy of actually taking advantage of that showerhead.

The whole shower scene was a disaster, which included me getting shampoo in my now blood shot eyes. Then there were those long legs, and I wasn't exactly a pro with the razor. I had a couple of scars on my chin to prove it. But, after I'd talked myself into thinking that going 'tree-huggerish' was perfectly fine, Rose tossed the shower curtain open and laughed as she saw me eyeing up the hot pink razor.

"Hey dumbass, I wax. Put the razor down and no one get's hurt. "

I'd completely forgotten that Rose waxed. There wasn't an inch of hair on that woman other than her head.

After I dried off and wiped the steam from the mirror I thought, _being a girl is tough work_. Not only did I have to take a couple of extra minutes to shampoo _and_ condition my hair, but now I had to style it somehow. I cringed just thinking about the striped bag that lay on the counter mocking me. It was full of a lot of shit that was supposed to somehow look beautiful on my face.

_What the hell is this for?_ I eyed the contraption for a good, solid minute. Then upon further inspection, I saw several of the same; Black? Black-brown? Brown? Steel Blue? _How many colors does a woman need?_ I unscrewed a tube of what I thought was mascara, _Oh nope wait, it says on the label it's eye liner_. I didn't even know there was liquid eye liner. I closed my eyes, which later I discovered wasn't the best strategy, and painted my face.

Once my makeup was applied, and I say that loosely, I started on my hair. I'd seen Rose flip her hair over while she blew it dry and so I decided this what should be done. As I tossed my head back over, I looked like an untamed lion. My hair was huge. Maybe I shouldn't have dried my hair upside down for so long. _There's got to be something here to help with that._

_Bingo. Round thingys. _I shoved the damn things down and as I plugged them in, a prickly little shock went through my fingers. _Damn it! _

After cutting my losses, and an hour later, I decided I'd done my best and bounded out the back door and slipped into the car with Rose/me.

"Sweet, Jesus." Rose's mouth fell open.

"I know right?" I shook my head up and down.

It was silent. _Uh oh, this isn't good._

"I don't look that bad, do I?"

"Do you want me to be honest?"

"Yes, but be nice. I worked hard to look nice for you and I'm a little sensitive about it." I felt a slight twinge in my gut, if she said I looked fat…

_Okay, you just switched bodies. You didn't actually grow an ovary._

"This won't turn out well, let me just fix this. Good hell, you look like you used snot to hold your hair up." She then licked her thumb and began rubbing off the liner I'd just applied under my eyes. "I can't believe I have to be seen in public with you like this."

_Ouch. Being a woman was rough! _

I huffed and folded my arms across my chest, determined not to say a word. We took off down the road, which seemed to lead nowhere. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Rose screeched into the parking spot, cutting off a grandma in order to park right in front of Edward's place. After granny laid on her horn, Rose stuck a famous finger out the window and granny looked like she about to have a heart attack.

"Hey! You're makin' me look like a dick!"

"What's your point?"

"My point is, I didn't do this bad hair and makeup job on purpose. So don't make me out to be such a jerk on purpose."

"Fine," she huffed and slipped out the door, slamming it in the process.

_Oh hell no, she didn't just slam my baby's door?_ I sat in the passenger seat like a statue.

Rose's fist banged on the window and as I looked over in her direction, she shrugged her shoulders and yelled, "What?"

I pursed my lips together and blinked rapidly, my hand pointing to her first, then to my door.

_Yeah that's right, you're a dude now. You do what guys have to do._

She threw the door open, nearly missing the fire hydrant next to my door and stood there, seething.

"Thank you, Emmett. You're such a big, strong gentleman," I cooed out, extra loud. "Oh and you're going to get me a ticket parking in front of a fire hydrant."

"Whatever," she huffed.

"Well looky-looky here," a voice streamed out from the porch. "Good hell, Rosalie. Bad morning?" his face twisted while looking straight at me.

"You have no idea," the real Rose answered.

As soon as I saw him, standing there in his tall, brooding fashion with a crooked smile plastered on his face, I climaxed on the spot.

Edward.

_Oh hell._

"No pickles!" I screamed, shooting up narrowly missing the bed above me. Resting back on my elbows I noticed I was breathing as though I'd just run a marathon.

Thankfully no one stirred after my little outburst. Trying to shake the numbing feeling you get post-climax, I shuddered and snatched Edward's t-shirt that dangled down from the top bunk, and wiped up the man juice from the inside of my boxer briefs.

I knew I could count on Edward for something. "Always be prepared for retaliation, asshole," I mumbled as I tossed the soiled shirt over to Mike's bunk.

_Try explaining that one, douche!_ I thought as I nestled down deeper into my fleece-lined sleeping bag, desperately hoping that if I dreamed again at all, it would be filled with bouncing titties belonging to one, Miss Rosalie Hale.

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	4. Prepared and Premature

**Oh, Shabs... You and your Emmett loving ways! mwah!**

**Well, well, well... look what we have. A new installment, a new author. It's Mike Newton's turn and I wonder who has the obsession with Newton and would choose to write his story? Not sure why, but VGJM loves to torture the poor guy.**

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Give it up for vjgm...& Newton.

* * *

**Prepared and Premature**

Life was so much more difficult when you were surrounded my morons. The entire day had been hell on Earth. It had been so bad in fact, that I was willing to bet Carlisle paid the idiots and Volterra Hugs and Handjobs extra to have them make us as miserable as possible. We hiked for hours, talked about everything from our feeling to our dicks. Nothing like eight hours of 'teambuilding' which really should have been called pussybuilding for all the whining that went on in that time.

I didn't mind the outdoors like the rest of the lightweights I was surrounded by, I knew nature was a thing a beauty - something to be respected and revered. At a very young age, I learned, a man who could survive in the wilderness could survive anywhere- even someplace as screwed up as Cullen Erections and Demolition.

If I was in different company, the day would have been a valuable lesson in self discovery. Instead, I spent hours listening to Edward complain about everything and anything, but mostly about getting mud on his jeans. If he bitched about it one more time, I was going to hit him in the head with a rock and drown him in the lake. I mean, what kind of asshole wears True Religion jeans to a campground? Edward, the pretty-boy priss, that's who. Did he really need leather pockets and studs on his jeans to survive a night in the woods?

Then there was his cousin Emmett, born with a silver spoon in his mouth and his head up his ass. He kept asking when they were going to throw a couple of steaks on the fire and make him some 'grub.' His joke was short lived when I tried to kick Tyler's ass for breaking wind in my face on the climbing wall and we lost our red meat allowance for the rest of the day. Emmett thought they were joking, but the look on his face when he was handed a plate of spinach salad and fruit was priceless. As we approached the cabin, he was on hour three of his endless bitching and moaning.

Tyler, while good at his job, was a moron, plain and simple. Nothing was more amusing than watching his city-boy ass whining about every bug, animal and snake he saw- or thought he saw. He spent the day shooting his mouth off to Edward and Emmett and they spent the day messing with his head. All they had to do was toss a rock near him and yell 'raccoon' and Tyler was screaming and running for his life. After Tyler made some off-color crack about Rosalie's breasts, Emmett decided to get even and pointed a shaking finger over Tyler's shoulder yelling 'bear.' My man went scurrying up the nearest pine tree, blowing his safety whistle until he nearly hyperventilated. The jackass ended up covered in sap by noon and smelled like an air freshener for the rest of the day. If the guy could just learn to keep his big mouth shut…

Finally, the endless day was over and we were sent back to our cabin to get some shut eye. _Sleep, breakfast then home_, I kept repeating in my head. Edward was rubbing sanitizer all over his bunk while Emmett rambled on about the yoga instructor checking out his ass. I swear the guy was enjoying it way too much, in my opinion.

Not one for wasting time, I lay down in my bunk and pulled out the Cullen Erection and Demolition newsletter, trying to catch up on the latest news and future projects for the company. On the front page was a large picture of Carlisle and his wife, Esme, standing beside Bella and Edward as he accepted an award from the Chamber of Commerce for his philanthropic endeavors in the community. I laid my head down on the lumpy pillow and continued reading about the next big project that was coming down the pipe, my eyes kept wandering back to the picture of _her_, or more precisely, the snug fit of her dress and the way it accentuated the swell of her breasts. The woman was any man's wet dream. I knew if I had that to come home to every night, I certainly wouldn't be a grumpy bastard all the time like Cullen.

As I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion of the day overtake me, a smile crossed my lips as a most delicious and forbidden fantasy of mine began to play out in my head. Oh, what sweet dreams they would be, too. At least in the beginning…

*~*

I approached the house, the trip down the long and winding driveway only elevated my anticipation of the moment when I would finally see her again. It was wrong, and I knew it. Edward already hated my guts for an endless list of reasons, and the feeling was mutual. But this, this little indiscretion would escalate Edward's hatred of me exponentially, but it was a small price to pay for all that I stood to gain by taking this chance.

As the house came into view, my heart started racing, my palms were sweating and my mouth was as dry as the Gobi desert. The gravel on the driveway crackled under my feet as I approached the porch. I took a deep breath and made my way up the front steps.

"Knock on the door," I muttered to myself.

Before I let anyone know of my presence, I took a moment and stole a peek through the window, much like the neighborhood pervert I was becoming where she was concerned. I felt myself instantly harden when I caught a glimpse of her lithe body as she gracefully swayed to the classical music I heard coming from inside the house. When she heard the knocking, I watched her run her fingers through her hair and press the front of her skirt flat before she opened the door.

"Michael," she purred with a welcoming smile on her face.

The scent of her perfume, roses mixed with honey, flooded my senses. That smell had been driving me crazy since I first took notice of it in the Forks High library where she had been volunteering for the last month. Never did I look forward to using the Dewey decimal system more than the first and third Monday of the month, when I knew she would be working. And, if I was lucky, I'd do something to earn a sensual smile from the woman that set my body on fire like no other, Esme Cullen.

_Wait, I'm in high school again? WTF? Oh screw it. She looks hot, just go with it._

"Mrs. Cullen," I said, trying to ignore the way my voice cracked as I said her name, "you look lovely today."

"Michael, Michael. Always the charmer." She laughed, her tongue darting out and wetting her lower lip seductively as she looked me up and down. "To what do I owe this _pleasure_?" She leaned against the door jamb and gently fingered the button of her blouse, popping it open and revealing a generous preview of her ample cleavage.

"Trust me, the pleasure is all mine," I mumbled under my breath as I stared shamelessly at the swell of her bosom, my jeans nearly exploding from the building pressure. It was impossible to look at her and not imagine what it would be like to kiss her exquisite mouth When a sly smile crossed her lips, I had to think of the most unpleasant things before I lost it right there in her doorway.

_Sick puppies, my grandma in her underwear, that time I caught dad wearing grandma's underwear_. Horrible visuals poured into my head, acting like a virtual bucket of ice and rendering my rock hard dick flaccid once again.

"What can I do for you, Michael?" She held the door open wider, her bottom lip begging to be nibbled on. "I'd love it if you came inside….my home that is."

With my dick following her like a heat seeking missile, I scampered into the house, hoping to get nothing more than another chance to look down her blouse. However when the door closed, I was completely unprepared for what happened next.

"This is a beautiful place you've got here Mrs. Cu—" My voice caught in my throat as I turned to find her standing right behind me, the heat coming off her body awakening my cock as I noticed one of her hands was cupping her breast. Her fire engine red painted fingernails were a stark contrast to the crisp white blouse she was wearing. When our eyes met, she slowly dropped her hand to her side and smiled.

"Thank you, Michael." The way her lips moved as she said my name mesmerized me. "Do you have something there for me?" Her eyes darted to my groin and lingered, then slowly crept toward the white paper in my hand as she gnawed on her bottom lip.

"Th- this is for a project I'm working on." I nervously waved the paper in the air, hoping to draw her eyes north because if they stayed on my package, I was afraid I'd pass out from all the blood in my body rushing to my cock.

She slowly stalked toward me like a powerful lioness on the hunt, the heels of her shoes clicking seductively on the hardwood floors. The lustful look in her eyes was undeniable and I was ready to give her anything she asked for right then and there. When she was close enough that I could feel her warm breath on my cheek, she stopped and ran her fingers lightly over the front of my khaki colored shirt.

"What are all these for?" She fingered my medals and patches deliberately, showing the agility of her hands which caused my skin to break out in goose bumps. I couldn't help but imagine her in my bed, her brown hair splayed out on my pillow as she lay beneath me. The sexy noises that were coming from her as she touched my chest brought back my raging hard on in no time flat.

_My scout shirt? Pretty weak clothing choice for a dream, but she seems to like it. Somehow I knew she'd be into a man in uniform. She's a naughty one…_

"S- Scout awards," I gasped as she ran her finger over the emblem on my belt buckle, her fingers not only examined the embossed picture on the clasp, but the front of my pants as well. Her fingers brushed against my manhood, and as depraved as it was, I looked up to the heavens and thanked God, Jesus and whoever else I could think of that this moment was actually happening.

"Mrs. Cullen-"

Her finger covered my lips as she whispered, "Call me, Esme."

"E- Esme…" I felt her come closer, her tongue sliding up around the shell of my ear, "w-would you like to sign my paper?"

Her sexy giggle surprised me. "Is that what you kids are calling it these days?"

_Holy mother of God, she wants me._ The realization nearly buckled my knees.

"Mrs. Cullen." As soon as her name crossed my lips, I felt her strong hand strike my ass and create an erotic pain that, I was shocked to find, I wanted more of.

"I said, call me Esme." Her voice was stern, authoritative and sexy as hell as she spoke. The image of her, in leather, tying me to a bed post popped into my head and made my dick painfully hard.

"Esme." Her name was uttered like a sacred incantation.

Before I knew what was happening, her fingers grabbed the front of my shirt and tugged, the buttons popped off, raining down onto the floor at my feet. Soon, her hands were everywhere on my exposed chest, her voracious lips setting my skin on fire, her nails leaving stinging trails of pleasure in their wake. When her teeth clamped down on my nipple, I nearly came from the pleasure and pain of it all.

_._

As if she read my mind, she put her hands on the center of my chest and gave me a shove, causing me to stumble backward and land on the couch. The cool leather against my back was a pleasant contrast to the searing temperature of my body.

"So," Esme said as she began seductively popping the buttons of her blouse open, revealing the delicate white lace bra underneath, "are you going to be a good boy, Michael?"

My head mindlessly bobbed up and down, while my eyes remained locked on the darkened outline of her pert nipples which were completely visible through her flimsy excuse for a bra. Her thumbs hooked on the sides of her skirt and she tugged the material down over the sensual curve of her hips. I caught a glimpse of her thong and was certain something on me was going to explode, I just didn't know if it would be my head or my dick that went first.

_Holy Fucking Hell._

Shit like this didn't happen to me, _ever_. Now I knew why Carlisle walked around with that cocky grin on his face all the time. This woman was enough to make a grown man cry…

In nothing but her underwear and black patent leather heels, she confidently strutted over to a chest of drawers in the corner and pulled out two long, white silk scarves from inside. Her eyes locked on mine, a wicked smile that promised wild times crossed her lips as she twisted the material around her wrists.

"Wh- What's that for?" I nodded my head at the cloth in her hands.

"This?" She ran the fabric over her breasts, hypnotizing me. "Scouts like to tie knots, right?" Again my head bobbed up and down, words failing to come out when I tried to speak. "Well, I thought maybe it would be fun to see how good you were at _untying_ knots."

I sucked in a deep breath as Esme dropped to her knees in front of me, her body sliding between my legs, her hands running up along the inside of my thighs. I fisted my hands into the leather cushions to keep myself from unzipping my pants to relieve the overwhelming pressure there. When she leaned over and her breasts brushed against my groin, I couldn't stop the low growl that escaped from my chest.

"You like that?" Esme whispered as she took my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist then snugly wrapped the silk around it. She did the same to the other wrist then stood up and leaned over me, her nipple brushing against my lips as she tied my hands to the posts on either end of the couch. She gave a good tug, and once she was happy that things were tight and secure, she smiled, settling into my lap.

"Now…. where should I start?" When I didn't answer, her voice became stern again. "I asked you a question, Michael. What do you want me to do? Be specific."

_No fucking way. I wonder what the world record for uninterrupted sleep was, because there is no way I'm ending this dream._

I sat there for a few seconds, still in disbelief of the whole situation. It wasn't until she wiggled her hips and the lace of her panties rubbed against my cock that I was snapped out of my trance. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Blow job!"

"A blow job? That's not very specific." She crossed her arms over her chest with a pout, her gorgeous breasts inches from my face. "I mean that doesn't tell me anything other than you want your dick in my mouth. Do you want me to tongue it, or suck on it? Do you like it fast and hard or slow and teasing? Should I pay attention to your balls or just concentrate on the head?" As I sat there, mindlessly gaping, she took mercy on me. "This time, I'll help you. But next time, if you aren't specific, you'll be punished." Her eyes darkened and she reached between the couch cushions, pulling out a white riding crop. Esme ran it down the side my chest and over my groin before slipping it back out of sight.

My heart was hammering and I was sweating as I sat on the brink of losing all control. I had a gorgeous, sexy woman nearly naked in my lap. She wanted to fuck me senseless, or at the very least give me the blow job of my life, and I was most definitely going to let her. My arms were tied to opposite ends of the couch as I sat there and waited like an offering for what would come next. I had never been so hard and on the brink of orgasm, ever.

Esme snuggled close to me, her fingers playing with the hair at the nape of my neck as she began whispering in my ear. "How about I slowly undo your belt… with my teeth? Then I can pop the button on your jeans and lower your zipper just enough so little Mikey peeks out. I'll run my tongue along the waistband first before I slowly roll it around your tip. Would you like that?"

My breathing picked up as I fought to stay in control, but my entire body began quivering as she spoke. "Y- Yes, Esme."

"Then, I can lower your zipper all the way, and slide your pants off, but leave on your underwear. Boxers or briefs, Michael?"

"B-Boxers," I muttered.

Esme seemed pleased. "I'll run my tongue over your boxers, stroking your cock through the material. You'll be able to feel the heat of my mouth and it will be so very wet. Would you like that, Michael?"

"God yes," I growled through gritted teeth. The couch made a creaking noise as I struggled against the restraints, desperate to touch her.

"And then, I want to remove your boxers and…"

She didn't get to finish her sentence before my entire body tensed and I howled in release. Esme froze and looked down between us into my lap and could feel the moisture that was seeping through my jeans. She cocked an eyebrow in surprise as her eyes met mine, then she growled.

"Did I say you could do that, yet?"

If the situation wasn't awkward enough already, the pissed off look on her face was making me hard again. "Um, no, but Esme…"

"That's Mrs. Cullen to you." She stood up and fixed her bra. "Edward always said you had a problem with authority and following directions," Esme climbed off my lap, put on her clothes and started to walk away, "but I find your ability to finish the job sucks, too."

_Worst fucking dream ever. _

I sat straight up in bed and whacked my head on the top bunk, the blinding pain filling my eyes with tears. "Damnit!" I growled as I pressed my hand to my forehead and felt the huge welt that was forming.

Rolling from the bottom bunk, I stood up and blinked, hoping the double vision was only temporary as I watched two images of Tyler rolling around and snoring on the top bunk. I gave my head a shake and stumbled toward the bathroom. Inside, I pulled off my ugly ass camp shirt and ran the corner of it under the cool water, then held it against the throbbing knot on my head.

As I stood there in the dim light of the dirty bathroom, I took a minute to look at myself in the mirror. My broad shoulders and chorded muscles were irresistible along with a thick layer of hair which women went wild for. Winking at my smokin' hot reflection, I knew that cougar, Esme Cullen, would probably kill to have a piece of me. I couldn't help but smile as I sauntered out of the bathroom and headed back to my bunk, humming my own personal theme song.

_Macho, Macho man…._

_I got to be, a macho man… _

_

* * *

_

**Hee hee...VJGM and Newton... it's destiny really. The scout uniform and all.**

**GO NOW to www(dot)thefandomgivesback(dot)com!! As of today, we as a fandom, have already raised almost 15,000!! That is absolutely amazing people! ALL five of us are so proud to be a part of this fandom. ****Congratulations everyone. **

**Alrighty, I guess that means I'm next (OCDindeed). Good grief, what have these ladies roped me into! **


	5. Straps and 'Staches

Yes, another chapter for you all to enjoy, this one brought to you by OCD_indeed and when you read what she came up with, you will be as giggly as I (vjgm) am right now. I could go on and on, but you really just have to read it to believe it.

Hugs to OCD_indeed, qjmom, shabby and psymom who just make me smile.

Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight characters. We came up with this crazy idea and suckered psymom into doing it with us!!

Ladies, (and maybe a gentleman or two) OCD_indeed brings you:

**Straps and 'Staches**

Never in my wildest dreams had I thought Carlisle would actually listen to me for once. Out of all the suggestions and ideas I'd ever come up with, he finally listened to the one that was utterly ridiculous. As I lay on the top bunk waiting to drift off to sleep, I thought about what had happened in the last twenty-four hours. Volterra Hugs and Healing? Seriously? This was some messed up shit. Then again, it's been a grand ol' time watching Cullen in the outdoors and McCarty trying to fend off the yoga instructors, those two needed to be knocked down a peg or two.

I felt the bunk shift as Mike flipped another page from that stupid newsletter. _Who reads that shit, anyway? _ Mike Newton, that's who. The guy was always trying to suck up to someone. He deserved a little bit of ripping every now and then. _Speaking of ripping... _I thought, laughing to myself. I'd been brewing that one up all day. Even McCarty was impressed for once, at least until Mikey grabbed my ankle on the wall of death and we went tumbling down toward the mats taking Emmett out on the way. He didn't appreciate the way Alec _ass_essed his body for damages. I was pretty sure the dude was going to start mouth-to-mouth, but the meathead put a stop to that real quick. Of course, as usual, Emmett blamed me for everything.

Carlisle would just have to realize, the four of us would never get along. Cullen walked around with a pickle up his ass, and Newton resented him for his hot mom. They were never going to reconcile their differences. As for me and Cullen, well that guy _still_ held a grudge because I asked Bella to one little dance in high school. Get over yourself! At least I didn't have to work with those two that much, it was McCarty I had the beef with. Geez, you say one little comment about Rosalie's tits years ago, and you'd think I'd fucked her for the grief I've continually gotten from him, but that didn't mean I stopped mentioning them every chance I could. They were pretty fine specimens and deserved to be admired every now and then.

I rolled to my side, kicking at my sleeping bag, annoyed as it stuck to my arms and legs from the sap still glued to them. Emmett was staring at the bookshelf next to his bed. There were pictures and trinkets that were lined up along it from past teams who successfully made it through the weekend, supposedly, inspiration for us to succeed. A stuffed pig, wearing a t-shirt with the Hugs & Healing logo, was grinning back at him.

"Not sure if I've mentioned it before, but you're an asshole, McCarty," I declared to him, knowing that I was probably in for a world of hurt.

"Keep it up, sap boy," he snapped back. "Sleep with one eye open. That's all I'm saying." He grabbed the stuffed pig and threw it at me, narrowly missing my head.

There was no way this weekend was going to go down smoothly. Really, what was I going to learn? A t-shirt telling me I needed to think before I act or speak didn't mean anything to me. If my mom couldn't instill it in me growing up, the fruitcakes at this place sure wouldn't be able to. This is who I was...Tyler Crowley, impulsive, there was nothing wrong with me. I smiled, hugging my pillow while I felt myself drifting…

-:-

"_You never think, Tyler!"_ Carlisle's words echoed through my head. He was going to kill me if I didn't get these plans back to the office. I had gone back to Forks for the weekend to see my parents, but stupid me, I left some important plans in the back of my truck that Carlisle needed. He made it explicitly clear I had to get them back to him before nightfall. I had a few hours, but at the rate I was going, it didn't look like I'd make it.

I was sitting at one of the only traffic lights in Forks and the red light was taking forever. The radio was on, and it was blaring the usual shit from the only station that broadcasted in Forks. _Macho Man_? Come on!

_Geez, how long _is_ this light! There's no traffic in this po-dunk town, why the hell am I still sitting here? _

_I could just go through it_, I thought to myself, _there was no one around, no one would know._ I looked to the left and right, everything was clear, so I stepped on the accelerator, coasting through the intersection.

No sooner had I made it across, red flashing lights appeared in my rear view mirror, followed by a piercing siren.

"Fuck!" I yelled. "You've _got_ to be kidding me!"

I pulled over to the side of the road, turned off the radio and watched the officer get out of his cruiser. He shifted his belt as he walked toward my truck. I recognized the mustache. _Fuck...Chief Swan, _I said in my head. This was not going to be good. The guy hated me. It was one tiny, little—well he called it an 'incident,' but it was a total—accident. The roads were slippery, it wasn't like I wanted to run his daughter over, she didn't even get a scratch on her. He'd never forgotten it though, and still held a very big grudge.

I couldn't see through the rain droplets on the driver's side window, so I pressed the button to lower the glass. I almost burst out laughing as I got a closer look at his mustache. I hadn't seen him in years, but back when I was in high school, he had always kept it respectable, closely trimmed. Now, he was sporting this huge, horseshoe mustache that went all the way down to his chin on either side of his mouth. It was big and bushy and it made him look like he just stepped out of some bad, seventies, porn movie. The leather police jacket topped it all off.

"Chief Swan." I dipped my head in respect, trying hard to control my giggles.

"Well, if it isn't Tyler Crowley." He grinned at me, but it wasn't exactly friendly.

"I'm sorry, really. I'm on a deadline. I need to get these plans back to Seattle," I said in a rush, motioning to the round canister behind my seat, "or I'll probably lose my job."

He held up a hand, signaling me to stop talking. His eyes narrowed as he bent down to look in the truck. He sniffed loudly.

"You been drinking, son?"

"Wha—? Drinking? No!" I held my hands up in defense. He wanted me to react_. _ I knew I was walking a fine line with the Chief, so I said as earnestly as possible, "Like I said, I was in a rush. I'm _so _sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"Well, now that's the problem, isn't it, Mr. Crowley? You never _think_." He tapped my forehead with his index finger. "You just act. Always have."

_Shit. It had to be the Chief. It couldn't have been anyone else!_

"I'm sorry, sir. It'll never happen again," I apologized for the third time.

He stepped back from my truck and crossed his arms. "See, I don't believe you." His mustache seemed to dance below his nose as he pursed his lips together. "You say the same thing every time something like this happens. Ever since the 'incident' with the van and my daughter."

_Geezuz! Not the accident again!_ I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, but I couldn't help but sigh.

His eyes snapped to my face, and he gave me the most menacing glare. "I think you need to be taught a lesson."

I gulped. I didn't want to think how much this ticket was going to be. I was definitely not going to make it back to Seattle in time. "Chief, look, maybe we can work something out, but I gotta get back to—"

"Step out of the vehicle," he cut me off, his voice deadpan.

I started to laugh, pointing at him. "That's a good—"

"I _said_, step out of the vehicle. We can do this the easy way... or the _hard_ way."

I couldn't help but snort at his cliché comment. McCarty must have put him up to this. This had to be a joke.

"You think I'm being funny, son?" He placed his palm on the butt of his gun.

_Was he serious?_ That was the thing with Chief Swan, I never could tell. Reluctantly, I opened the door and jumped down from the cab of the truck. I raised my hands in the air, mocking the entire situation. The next thing I knew, my chest was slammed up against the hood of the truck, and my arms were forced behind my back. The Chief leaned into my backside and I could feel him breathing on the back of my neck.

He moved closer and whispered in my ear, "We'll see who's laughing after I'm through with you."

_What the hell was that supposed to mean?_

I heard the faint clanging of metal, and I realized what he was doing. He was cuffing me! I started to turn around, just to see if I could get a glimpse of his face. Hopefully there would be some humor there, but instead, he slammed me back into the hood, and I felt the cold, hard metal slip around my wrists. He grabbed my shoulder and started pushing me toward his cruiser.

"Chief! Come on! What's this about? Did Emmett put you up to this? That guy's always pulling shit like this," I protested, not willingly moving towards his vehicle.

"I told you. We can do this one of two ways. You keep that mouth of yours up, and we'll definitely be doing this the _hard_ way." He shoved me up against the side of his car as he wrenched open the backdoor and guided my head inside.

"Can I at least call Carlisle and tell him I won't make it back to Seattle?" The car was filled with silence, my question hanging in the air. "Well, aren't you going to read me my rights?" I asked dryly. "Isn't that a law, or something?" He was starting to freak me out. He always scared me as a kid, but it was more of a young-teenage-boy-lusting-after-scary-father's-daughter kind of way. But _this_, this was something very different.

He parked outside of the police station, and I noticed the lot was empty. He was still as silent as ever, and my gut was roiling with anticipation as he pulled me out of the car. This was a joke, and as soon as we walked through the doors, the guys would be on the other side laughing their asses off at my terrified expression.

The station was empty and dark. Porn-star Charlie pushed me toward the back of the office, toward the cells. _He was really doing this! _He guided me inside and handcuffed me to the far side of the cell. _What the fuck?_ I thought over and over in my head.

"Charlie, listen," I said trying to reason with him.

"From now on, you'll refer to me as, 'Sir' or 'The Chief.' That clear? Anything else... will make me... _very _unhappy." He glared at me with his hands on his hips and actually licked his lips. _He licked his freaking lips!_ Like I was a delicious scrumptious meal or something.

"Tell me you understand, boy?"

"Aaahh.....um...." I couldn't get the words out.

"Don't stutter, spit it out. Do. You. Understand?"

"Ah, yes, Ss-sir," I responded shakily.

"You learn fast," he said smiling for the first time. "I'll be back. I need to get things ready." He turned on his heel walking out of the cell, but not before patting my ass.

I yelped, and he laughed.

"A screamer," he mused to himself, "I like it when they scream."

"What the fffffuuuuuck," I whispered, placing my head on the cell bars. _How far is he going to take this? _

I looked around at my surroundings. The cell was a typical jail cell; standard cot with a thin mattress rolled up, a toilet and a sink. Along the narrow corridor outside of the cell, was a large metal cabinet that was slightly ajar. I stretched as close as I could to get a better look, but all I saw were shadows.

I twisted and turned my wrists, trying to see if there was any way I could break free, even though I knew it was futile. I'd had just about enough of this joke, and I needed to make that phone call.

"Can I get my phone call?" I yelled out. "Hello! Is anyone out there?"

I heard keys jingling in the outer door, and whispered a, "Thank you," as I leaned my head against the bars again. Turning my head as the door opened, I could see black, thick-soled boots underneath my left arm. Slowly, I looked up and saw the boots were covered by the hem of a pair of black leather pants. My eyes trailed up the black leather and stopped at a silver studded belt that rested below a bare, hairy navel.

"Holy fuck!" I exclaimed loudly as I laid eyes upon the rest of the get-up.

"I don't like cursing, Mr. Crowley," Charlie said sweetly, rubbing his hand up and down his hairy chest that just happened to be adorned with a black leather vest which seemed to match his pants and belt perfectly. "Didn't your mama teach you some manners? I think we'll need to add that to your lesson plan."

He was wearing a black, leather, biker hat to top it all off. He looked like Glenn Hughes from The Village People, complete with the horseshoe mustache. _Wait, how did I know that? _"What the hell is going on!"

"Again with the cursing. You have a filthy mouth." Charlie shook his head back and forth and it was then that I saw what was in his other hand. He tapped a police baton gently against his thigh.

"Chief Swan... please, please, please. I don't know what's going on, but you're scaring the crap out of me."

"What did I tell you?" He whacked the baton in the palm of his hand. "What were you to call me?"

"Ss-sir. I'm to call your sir!" I said nervously. I couldn't bring myself to call him 'The Chief.' There was no way in hell I was going to do that. "Wh-what is this about? I don't understand," I said, scared shitless of what he was planning.

"You need to be taught a lesson." He moved closer to me, and I jumped back, but the handcuffs restricted me severely. Leaning up against my left side, he sniffed along my neck, and I couldn't help but cry out a little, praying I wouldn't piss myself.

"When you act without thinking, you affect others by your conduct. It's _my_ job to show you that every action has a consequence, Mr. Crowley."

"Okay...okay, I get it. Lesson learned! Please uncuff me and let me go. I promise I won't do this again. Please, sir... The Chief." I added in the last title for good measure.

He laughed wickedly and I felt his breath on my cheek. "You really do learn quickly." He ran the baton along the edge of my cheek, all the way down my side, before resting it on my ass. He gave it one quick, sharp rap and it stung like a son-of-a-bitch. I couldn't help but cry out again.

"Nice," he said. "Very nice. I think you're going to enjoy this."

"Are you kidding? Enjoy this? You're fucking psycho! "

"What did I tell you about that mouth of yours? Think, Mr. Crowley!" he said and his voice had a devious tone to it. He ran the baton down my back and he rested it between my legs, pressing upwards on my dick a little bit. I flinched, jumping to get away from him, and he laughed again in return.

"This is not happening," I whimpered over and over again.

He left my side and sauntered over to the metal cabinet I had noticed earlier. The hinges squeaked as he slowly opened the door and turned to grin at me.

"Oh, hell no!" I yelled, shaking my head back and forth as I finally saw what was inside of the cabinet.

"You just can't control that tongue of yours." He smiled sadly at me, running his hand over various items all designed to inflict pain in one form or another. "Shame, I really do like it when they scream," he said to himself, pulling out two items from the cabinet. "Ball? Or Bit?" He held up some leather straps in each hand, and my eyes popped wide open as I realized they were designed to muzzle a person.

"Hmm, maybe the ball is a little too much. We'll go with the bit." He put one of the straps back in the cabinet and pulled out a large, flat, black paddle instead. The word "PIG" was written across it in large red letters. "We save this one up for the repeat offenders." He put it under his arm and stood there for a moment watching me. I was squirming, trying to get out of the handcuffs and I knew I was still whimpering, but I couldn't help it.

"Pleasepleasepleaseplease. Don't gag me. I promise I won't swear again…please… 'The Chief.'" If he didn't gag me, I could try to appeal to his rational side and convince him to let me go.

He was trailing his hand over his hairy chest, his head cocked to the side, and he was smirking, almost like he was admiring me. His hand hit the waist of his leather pants, and he reached down to adjust himself.

_Fuck me… Charlie Swan was hard! Oh God, Oh God, Oh God. What the hell was happening?_

"I suppose. It would be interesting to see if you can control that pretty little mouth." He casually strolled toward me, throwing the gag on the bench beside me. "Spread 'em." He laughed at his cop humor while he grasped the handle of the paddle. "This may hurt a little."

"This isn't making any sense. You're not Glenn Hughes! This isn't the Forks Police Station!"

"It makes perfect sense. You're the one who put me in this getup. It's your head. I'm just going with it. I gotta say… the leather's kinda nice, thanks." He brought his arm back, and I saw the word "PIG" flash from the corner of my eyes as it came barreling down with a resounding 'crack' on my backside.

"FUCK!" I couldn't help it. It did hurt… a lot!

He laughed deeply, straight from his hairy navel.

"This isn't happening!" I screamed. My feet were flailing as I tried to kick him. "I promise I'll think before I act! I promise I'll think before I act! I promise I'll think before I act!" My shoulders thrashed as I tried to break free, and there was another reverberating 'smack' as I felt something connect with my ass again. But this time it was much more solid… and cold. And my hands were free. I blinked from the morning sunlight and felt something wet dripping on my face. I blinked again to see a freshly showered Emmett, draped only in a towel around his waist, bent over looking at me. His mouth cracked into a huge face-splitting grin. _Please tell me I didn't talk in my sleep!_

"Nightmare, Crowley?" he asked. "Never knew you had a fetish for leather… or… Bella's dad." He started to chuckle but only a little before he turned back to his bunk.

_Shit! _I cursed silently whilestanding up rubbing my ass. I braced for the backlash from him, but it never came. He was acting odd. I would have expected much worse than just a chuckle from McCarty, especially if he overheard any of that dream. I was about to say something smart-assy back, but held my tongue. My ass was stinging as if I'd really been hit with a paddle. I shuddered at the memory. Lesson fucking learned.

~*~*~

The hairy navel….oh my word I have been laughing over that for days! Who knew our little Charlie had this up his sleeve? Or OCD for that matter? MWAH!

Leave her some love….


	6. Orgies and Oprah

**Hello fanfic friends, it's psymom, and tonight it is my turn to take part in the silliness. I cannot BELIEVE that I wrote this, but only the inspiration of the goddesses of Twilight crackfic could inspire me so. **

**Much love to my girls : OCD_indeed, qjmom, vjgm, and shabbyapple. As much as I bitched and moaned about you making me do this, I am actually quite honored you asked me. *kisses***

**We want to remind everyone to be sure and check out the Fandom Gives Back author auction to raise money for a wonderful charity, Alex's Lemonade Stand. Tons of authors are offering themselves up to the highest bidder for this worthy cause. Make sure you visit:**

**thefandomgivesback(dot)com for information on events and thefandomgivesback(dot)proboards(dot)com which is the auction website.**

**So, I give you chapter 6 our collaboration: Orgies and Oprah.**

**Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, we own the plot, but I'm not certain I'd ever admit to it in public.**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

Carlisle POV

These men, or BOYS rather, with their hot tempers and their shortsightedness…I cannot BELIEVE they would blow this deal with what amounted to a fucking cockfight. Immature…idiotic… …incompetent…dammit.

I was still fuming as I tossed and turned in bed that evening. I hoped they were learning their fucking lesson at Volterra Hugs and Healing. If they weren't learning to get along, at least they would learn that there were shitty consequences for fucking up like this. Those boys would be the death of me—not like the women in my life. The women that took care of me…My beautiful wife Esme, so sweet and caring. Alice, the best assistant anyone could ask for, and gorgeous to boot. She could charm the pants off of any client that walked through our door. Bella, my daughter in law to be, and Rose, the first to marry into the Cullen family, were the lights of our lives. Bella's sweet nature made every man want to protect her and Rose's kick ass self-confidence was intimidating but exciting at the same time.

_Maybe I should have THEM leading our sales team…they could lock in a deal in a snap with their combined prowess….hmmmm…and none of them are whiner babies that can't hold their tempers. They are…perfect… Maybe it _would_ be better if I had all women working for me. At least then I would know that they would get things done…take care of business…_

Calmed at the thought, I was finally able to relax enough to find sleep after the worst day in our company's history. Cullen Erections would rise again, with the help of my girls…

* * *

"Carlisle…" Esme drawled seductively.

I turned my chair around to face the mountain of paperwork on my desk, but I saw none of it, only my beautiful wife. She was wearing that sexy black dress with the slit up the side—the one that went dangerously high but not quite high enough to show anything. Just high enough to make me hard.

"Esme, darling…what are you doing here? I've got to meet with the boys to work out a new strategy for our next project, but you…are VERY distracting..." I said as I let my hand trail up her thigh, tracing the path of the slit in her dress.

"The boys? Carlisle, why would you be meeting with the boys? You know they're working late tonight—the video store is open until midnight on Fridays. Their boss would kill them if they closed early." She looked at me, perplexed at my confused expression. "Carlisle? Are you alright? Why would you be discussing Cullen Erections with them anyway? You know we girls take care of everything…we're the secret to your success, Carlisle. The reason Cullen Erections is the biggest construction company in the country."

"What? Wait…what?" I was dumbfounded. The girls were running the company now? The girls were making Cullen Erections big again?

"But the boys, the Denali deal, the fighting…what happened?"

"Oh Carlisle…shhh," Esme said, putting her supple finger to my lips, as she slid off the desk and into my lap. "You're too stressed, dear. You need to relax."

I struggled to figure out what in the world she was talking about, but failed miserably at trying to concentrate as her hands slipped inside my shirt, massaging my chest.

"Esme, we're at the office dear…what are you doing? Unnnnggg...Esme…" I groaned as she slid her hand lower, resting it on the growing bulge in my Dockers.

"There's my Cullen erection," Esme whispered huskily in my ear.

"Alice could come in at any minute…Esme...oh God…" She was stroking me through the fabric of my pants in earnest now.

"Oooo, Alice, yes, she always makes things more fun." She kept one hand on my cock while she reached back to my phone with the other to push the intercom button. "Alice, we need your assistance in here darling. And bring the pickles."

_Pickles? What the…_

I heard Alice's tinkling laughter coming through the speaker. "Alrighty, I'll be right there! Should I call Bella and Rose too? I think they are just down the hall in the kitchen—they can grab the pickles on the way!"

"Definitely, Carlisle is VERY uptight, I think he'll need all of us today. Oh, and Alice…"

"Yes, Esme?"

"See if Rose still has the Boy Scout hat in her desk drawer, and don't forget your cape."

"I'm on it," Alice said determinedly.

I was completely dumbfounded now. First Esme wanted to fool around in the office and now she was employing not only edible phallic props, but costumes as well? And the girls, who were now suddenly my employees, were joining us?

Esme turned back to me and eyed me with a hint of pity.

"Oh sweetheart, why are you so confused? You must really have let the stress of work get to you. Here, let's take off your shirt so we'll be ready when they get here."

"Take off my shirt? Esme, are you sure about this? I mean I think I know where you are going with this, but I can't really wrap my mind around why or how this is happening…are we going to…um…have…_sex_ …with them?" I whispered the last part.

Esme's laughter rang out in the office.

Okay, I was totally wrong and now I'd made a compete fool of myself. Not to mention probably pissed off my wife, who would never in a million years propose anything as kinky as handcuffs, much less a three-way. Wait, not a three-way…I had actually just proposed a five-way with my wife of 35 years. And my secretary. And my son's fiancé. And my nephew's wife. A fucking orgy with the women that supposedly are now running Cullen Erections.

I felt my traitorous cock get harder at the thought of the scenario.

_Yeah, they're doing something for Cullen erections, that's for sure._

Jesus Christ. I have no idea why Esme hadn't just kicked me in the balls for my question.

I chanced a look at her as she stifled her giggling and removed my shirt. She just smirked at me as if she was in on some secret…as if I was pretending not to know what the hell was going on. How the hell was I going to get to the bottom of this when I was supposed to know what was happening already, and yet, everything as I knew it was turned completely upside down? My son and my nephew, who were of late, definitely fuck ups in my mind, were video store clerks and now the loves of their lives were apparently about to dress me up and stick a pickle somewhere. I shuddered at the thought.

"Esme…" I began as she threw my shirt over to the side table next to the wing backed chair in the corner.

"Yes, Carlisle?" she said as she started working on my belt buckle.

"Why are the boys working at a video store?"

"That's where they've always worked dear—you know they never could get anything done with all their immature bickering and fighting. It's really best. At least they can make a decent enough living that the girls will keep them. They may never make anything of themselves, but at least they're not under our roof anymore." She laughed again, running her hands down my arms and taking my hands in hers. "Can you imagine, Carlisle? What they would think if they knew?" She giggled anew as she looked at me mischievously.

If they knew…If they knew what?

Esme began clearing the desk of papers, then patted it with her hand.

"Hop up there, Carlisle, they shouldn't be much longer. You know how Rose gets when she's kept waiting." She started back in on my belt buckle and then thought better of it, tapping her chin. "I better let Bella do this—she always likes to be the one to restrain you."

"RESTRAIN ME? What the…Esme, I'm not sure I like the sound of this…I mean what the hell is going on here? Pickles and Boy Scout uniforms and capes…and now restraints? Is this some sort of sick joke?"

"Carlisle, sweetie. This was your idea. We've been doing this for ages—it's the thing that has brought us closer, made us the unbeatable team we are. You know you need strong powerful women to keep Cullen Erections growing." She winked as she delivered the last line with her hand on my crotch.

Before I could process what she had said, the door swung open and in it stood a vision of three beautiful women in outfits I would never have imagined seeing them in. Rose was decked out in a full Boy Scout uniform—one meant for a boy much smaller than her, no doubt. The shirt was pulled taut over her full breasts, unbuttoned to the point that her cleavage was practically begging to be gaped at. She wore khaki shorts rolled up to the tops of her thighs—they looked more like boy shorts than camp shorts—and her hair was tucked under the boy scout hat I had already heard about. She carried a jar of pickles and her troop number badge read '6969.'

Bella was a vision in the sluttiest French Maid's costume I had ever seen. Come to think of it is was really half French Maid, half dominatrix…the black patent leather micromini and bra top contrasted with the frilly white lace of the tiny apron she wore. The feather duster she carried looked like a tool of the trade with its whip like end. Now the restraint comment made perfect sense.

Strangest of all was Alice. She almost looked ethereal and I could have sworn she was floating as they moved toward the desk, her long, flowing light blue silk cape trailing behind her. She wore a hood as well and carried a wand—was she supposed to be a witch? A fairy? That's it...a fairy…fairy godmother? A wave of her wand and her humming of the Disney classic, 'Bibbity Bobbity Boo,' confirmed my guess.

"Girls," Esme broke the silence, "Carlisle is overwhelmed with stress. He needs us to take care of him, to relieve the overwhelming pressure of Cullen Erections." All of their eyes moved to my groin, and I tried to wish my hard on away but only succeeded in making my cock visibly twitch under the fabric of my pants.

"Just let us handle everything," Rose said in a sultry voice.

"Ooo, I see you saved the belt for me," Bella purred as she approached me and used the flat end of her feather-ended whip to push me back on the desk. She began fumbling with the buckle, struggling to get it open with her long red fingernails. "I wish I could get this open without breaking a nail," she said, frustration evident in her voice.

"Your wish is my command," Alice said and with a wave of her wand my belt flew off and wrapped itself around my hands, which were suddenly pulled above my head and strapped to the bar on the far end of my desk.

"Alice, I wanted to take it off and tie him up, that is MY part," Bella whined, with a stomp of her foot.

"Well, you asked for help, Bella, you don't have to be a baby about it," Alice snapped back.

"Dominatrix, HELLO!" she said gesturing to her costume. "It's what I _DO_!"

"Whatever, Bella, you're just delaying us, take his pants off if you want something to do," Rose said, annoyed.

"No, I don't want to, Alice ruined it for me," Bella pouted.

Alice rolled her eyes and flicked her wand and my pants were suddenly gone. Bella seethed at her, as I lay tied to my desk, naked and now only semi hard as a result of the scene unfolding before me.

"Now girls, we're here for Carlisle. He needs us right now, he's very stre…"

"Stressed out, we know, he's always stressed out, we always have to help him relax, we always have to make him feel better, and we always have to use these damn pickles, which frankly make my hands stink, Esme. What about me and my needs? What about the fact that I can never get off with Carlisle because he is always spent by the time he gets to me? I mean one man for four women—there's no way we could all be satisfied, I might as well just use one of these damn pickles myself!" Rose's tirade ended with her throwing the pickles down on the floor, her body following, as she sunk to her knees in tears.

"Jesus Christ, Rose, get a grip. It's not like you don't have Emmett's big cock to get off with at home! He may be stupid and he may be a loser, but at least you can get what you need. Edward is such a wusspriss that when he can get it up, it only lasts long enough for him to get off, and it's not like he can stop thinking about how great he is for actually getting a hard on, long enough to make sure I'm taken care of…" Bella joined Rose in tears and Esme waived them toward her so she could hug them.

I gaped at the three women before me consoling each other and watched as Esme began crying along with them as she smoothed their hair and whispered comforting things to them. I turned to Alice who was apparently joining the tear fest now too, but she suffered alone in the corner, wiping at her tear-stained cheeks with the fabric of her fairy cape. An uncontrolled sob escaped her and the other three women looked up with a chorus of "Aliiiiiice..." as they widened their circle to welcome her in too. They blubbered and cried and hugged and whimpered together, completely oblivious to me.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. Goodbye orgy, hello Oprah.

_What in the hell was I thinking? Having all women work for me? What a fucking nightmare. The cattiness and the whining and the CRYING. God, the CRYING. Men weren't much better but at least they didn't fucking CRY. OK, no more women running the company, this isn't gonna work…I'll just get the boys together and talk to them…and train them, and…And what the hell am I supposed to do now? Strapped to my desk, naked, and… _

I looked down at my cock and groaned at its flaccid, miniscule state.

My groan must have shaken them out of their trance because suddenly, they all looked over at me, but in bemoaning my own situation I must have missed their wardrobe change. Rose's khaki Boy Scout costume had morphed into a khaki sailor costume, complete with the white dress hat. Bella's Dom French Maid had become biker-chick leathers, Alice's blue cape was now blue denim and her hood had been replaced by a white construction hat. Esme was now sporting a black policewoman's uniform instead of her sexy black dress.

The combination of costumes was vaguely familiar but it didn't fully hit me until the doors burst open and Edward and Emmett came stumbling in with their childhood cowboy and Indian costumes on. Edward adjusted his feather headdress and Emmett holstered his toy gun when they saw me lying naked on my desk, a surely panic-stricken look on my face. Music began to play from the speakers in the corners of the room and the six of them lined up in a row, their arms extended, hands curled into fists, as they started punching into the air towards me, alternating their arms…

"Hey! Hey! Hey, Hey, Hey! Macho, Macho Man…."

*********

I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock. I needed a new CD to wake up to. And an entirely new staff for Cullen Erections and Demolition.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

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